I was nothing. I didn’t need to be here, alive anymore. This was the day that I was sincerely disappointed for waking up. I cried so intensely when realizing that I was still breathing. I understood why people decided to die by suicide because the pain was unbearable. I had no plan to die by suicide, but if I had gotten hit by a car, gotten into a fatal car accident, or choked to death while eating I was ok with it. The pain of going through each day moving forward was unfathomable.

The day before I read a message on Facebook Messenger that basically said this, “I have a girlfriend now and it wouldn’t be fair if we continued to talk to one another. I understand that you hate me and that’s something I’ll have to live with”. The immediate reaction was, I was unlovable and not good enough to be with. The unruly feelings of worthlessness I felt that followed me for a decade afterwards created a deep darkness within me that felt as though light could never find me.

We’ll call him, Paul. Paul and I had met at an event where he was performing and although I was not there to watch him and his friend perform, he found his way to me. I had recently graduated with my associate’s degree in administration of justice and was celebrating starting undergrad with my then best friend when he walked up to an extremely intoxicated Amber. Initially I thought he was nice but wouldn’t have thought twice about him the next day. Hungover the next morning I received a message from him on Facebook Messenger, ahh full circle moment here, asking me how I was due to the fact that I was extremely drunk the night before. It should’ve ended there but we ended up working for the same company shortly after and convenience began my ultimate downfall.

Long story short, we engaged in a 6-month love affair (situationship), that introduced me to true intimacy for the first time in my life although the experience was up and down and extremely hot and cold with blisters and frostbite throughout. He would yearn for me then push me away. He would tell me I deserved better and that I shone too brightly for him, but I was there. I was present and I tried so hard for him to love me. In public he would pull away from me whenever someone we knew saw us like I was a dirty secret, like I was ugly, like he was embarrassed to be seen with me. In private I had the code to his home and access to him whenever I wanted but I was ugly, and I was unlovable. Paul found someone who he could show up for, be warm for, and wasn’t afraid to be seen with and he ultimately married her. I was not her.

If I had known about Twin Flames at that time, I would’ve sworn he was mine. I was so used to dysfunctionality in my relationships that I normalized unhealthy patterns. That’s a story for another day. He wasn’t the first Paul, but he ultimately became the last Paul. My ultimate karmic lesson that took me a decade to learn from and heal from. This experience broke me to the point that I honestly no longer wanted to live. This heartbreak utterly ruined me. I died and was transformed. Paul was one of my greatest karmic lessons that I couldn’t realize until I healed.

Two things bring this up for me today. One, I have a new client who has recently lost a relationship that was not similar to the dysfunctionality but the intense love they found for the other and needing help processing the loss of the relationship (working through grief therapy) and second, I saw a man who resembled Paul this morning and it forced me to look at my own growth and true transformation. Was I triggered? Fuck yes I was, BUT, I immediately became thankful for the experience because it ultimately forced me to confront my darkness, heal karmic cycles I had been in, love myself, be proud of myself, and stand confidently in all beautiful aspects of myself.

Normalizing toxic, dysfunctional, and unhealthy relationship patterns need to STOP. Every individual deserves to heal and to be loved correctly. I’ve processed this theme throughout many years in therapy, but the shift truly transformed when I started spiritually developing and stepping into my power as a gifted Spiritual Psychic Medium. As I began to develop mediumistically Spirit forced me to look at unhealed wounds so that I can be more effective in the work that I do with mediumship. I had no choice but to heal if I wanted to serve in my soul’s purpose.

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If you find yourself struggling and are in search of healing consider what I’ve termed, Conscious Relationship Mentoring. Conscious Relationship Mentoring focuses on:

✅ Breaking unhealthy relationship cycles
✅ Healing past wounds and subconscious blocks
✅ Cultivating self-love, confidence, and emotional mastery
✅ Attracting or deepening conscious, fulfilling relationships
✅ Balancing divine feminine & masculine energies
✅ Communicating with clarity, presence, and power

and if this is what you’re needing I have two options to present to you.

The first is a Conscious Relationship Mentoring session where we dive into where you most need help and are given intuitive guidance forward, and second an opportunity to participate in my Beta Conscious Relationship Mentoring 12-week program which addresses all 6 aspects mentioned above within a 12-week period. I am a licensed psychotherapist and have spent over 14 years learning, developing, and practicing mediumship and psychic practices which provides me with a unique integrative approach to healing and true transformation.

Here’s the link to schedule a Conscious Relationship Mentoring Session with me. Link here.

Here’s the application to complete for the Beta Conscious Relationship Mentoring Program. Link here.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for allowing me to share this experience with you.

💕Amber Choisella