Conquering Anxiety

Lately life has been ROUGH. That’s all caps and bold because there’s no other way I can quite describe it. I am in my final 5 weeks down to completing my Master’s program in addition to moving an hour away from my current job and internship. Every day I am at my internship site for a few hours then I work an 8 hour shift, and drive an hour home. I get home at 12am -ish and then go to sleep for a few hours, just to get up and do it all again. Oh and just not forget the fact that I just recovered from a chronic sinus infection that 3 rounds of antibiotics could not kill. I’ve spend 3 months of coughing incessantly with no to no sleep until 2 weeks again when I finally saw an Allergist and she prescribed me a steroid and antibiotics, which cleared me up QUICK. To say that I have been struggling these last 3 weeks is an understatement. I have spend many days and nights crying to myself, my therapist, my partner, and really anyone who pretends to want to listen. Honestly, I wish I had the affordability to quit work and focus entirely on graduating but that’s just not the reality I live in.

Whenever I struggle in life I tend to block the world from seeing this side of me. It’s like I have to maintain this certain image of myself to the world. I always have to be positive and hopeful; the carrier of light for others, but again, this is not the reality in which I live in. Shit is real, no one can always be positive and uplifting all the time and there’s no fucking shame in that. I  STRUGGLE and I lost my HAPPINESS in the mist of trying to do everything I’m suppose to be doing.  I lost sight of what happiness means for me. Spirituality and nature makes me happy but honestly I’ve been too exhausted to do anything close to these two things.  Does this make me weak or less than the image you’ve created for me?

Learning to stay fully in the present is hard within chaos, but it’s doable. 5 weeks isn’t too far away and when I choose to stay in this moment I alleviate the thrills of anxiety, discouragement, and a place of swallowed darkness. I’m not always the uplifting spiritual teacher/ mentor but I’ll always be the realest spiritual teacher/mentor because at the end of each day I am a Spirit living a human existence. Forgive me for I shall not lie or pretend to be someone I’m not; I’m just Amber Choisella.

Love Advice From Babe

Babe, how did you know Grandpa was “The One” I asked her.

She said, I knew he was the one by the way that he provided for me. He took care of me, that’s how I knew.

That’s how I knew he was the one.

I never need to ask he always knows what to do and what I need almost telepathically, no not materialistically and that’s the difference between a partner and a boyfriend… need more of an explanation, no problem I’ll be happy to explain.

Partnerships are an equal exchange of many sorts, yet most importantly they’re your biggest support. Uplifting you along the way, no cracks within the sidewalks, always available to wipe your tears, there with you to fight your fears, and most importantly loves you unconditionally, faithfully, and honestly. Relationships are work but more of a growth than an upkeep. He’s not perfect nor do I need him to be. At most he’s the best for me.

Thanks Babe, now I understand. I love that you had a chance to meet and spend sometime with him and I. Because of you, I know the meaning of love both self and towards loving others.

I miss you. I love you.

Babe.jpg
Babe, my Queen.

Visit from Papa

Sometimes when we dream we dream of loved ones who have since passed. Sometimes those dreams feel so real, just like a real interaction, and most of the time they are.

My Papa was actually my Great Uncle, but he’s always been my Papa ever since I can remember despite that fact I had a wonderful grandfather, his brother-in-law. Hopefully I haven’t confused you… but growing up my sister and I would travel to Reno, NV to spend the summers with our Grannie & Papa and he would always give us talks of wisdom about life, the importance of education, and money management to name a few; ultimately he was preparing us for adulthood. Unfortunately he passed away when I was 12 so I’ve always felt like I needed his guidance, yet he has never left me.

When I was around 15 or 16 I had a very very vivid dream of him. I was in an open field of waving green tall grass. The air was perfect, nice with a comfortable breeze when I smelled the scent of his cologne. His scent was very specific. I turned around to find him right by my side. He spoke to me with urgency and sorrow. He kept repeating that  “it was unfair, it was unfair but everything will be okay, this will make you stronger”, like he was preparing me for something, warning me about something to come. Not long after my mother had her first manic episode that I could actually remember and the roles changed from adult to child to child to adult; I had to grow up quick and make sure that my mom had the proper care she needed. He was right.

Papa doesn’t visit often but when he does he always has a message to gift me so it didn’t necessarily surprise me when he found me again last night.

In my dream I was walking within a busy strip mall trying to find coffee when I came across this house with an older man sitting on the porch. I felt drawn to the house although I did not recognize it, I followed my instinct and it led me to my Papa. He turned around and said, “I’ve been waiting for you”. I felt excited to see him because I miss him, naturally. I asked him what he meant and he told me it was time for me to know…

My Grannie was one of my favorite people, beside my grandmother (her sister) because she was so fashionable, so entertaining, just someone I resonated with. When she passed it was sad naturally but it was even sadder because she suffered from dementia before she passed. It had gotten to the point that I stopped visiting her in the convalescent home she resided in after suffering a stroke because it broke my heart seeing her in the condition she was in. Anyways, this is what my Papa wanted to talk to me about….. he explained that the reason why I haven’t been visited by her was because the state of mind that she was in when she passed made her believed that myself along with her family  had abandoned her before she passed and that she’s still in that state of mind in spirit. It’s interesting that he would tell me this, the day of her sister’s funeral…..

I initially brushed this off as just a dream until I had a conversation with one of my co-workers this morning. He, we’ll call him Mr. Suave, comes and chats with me from time to time and this morning he talked me to me about his family and in particular his Uncle Rick. When he described his uncle, the resemblance of character was identical to my Papa who in reality was my great-uncle, I knew then this wasn’t a dream but an actual visit!

Spirit communication during the time the body sleeps is not uncommon because it’s an active time for the mind to be awake, for the soul to listen and understand. Some people will read this and think it’s all part of my subconscious mind playing itself out but spiritually grounded people will understand and appreciate this truth I present.

This Hippie says…..

According to an Australian Aboriginal Proverb:

“We are all visitors to this place. We are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love… and then we return home.”

This just makes sense if you really took the time to go deeper into reasoning. I mean let’s ponder on this for a moment…. if nothing had purpose and we all lived from a “something”, then everything would be nothing. There would be nothing that would tie us together. Existence just doesn’t operate in that way. Life has meaning and nothing is a coincidence. Life is only a metaphor for school. As we live, we learn. As we learn, we grow, which is the purpose of everything.

Spirituality is the key to awakening. How is anyone suppose to tell you how you see, feel, or connect with yourself and the world around you? They can’t. This is a personal journey in a never ending path of truth. Energy is everything. It is created and never destroyed. Once one realizes this everything that was once known as truth collapses and reforms. Metaphysically speaking, we live in the moment of now where we are the creator of our lives, our paths, our future, ultimately our destiny. Give yourself some credit, if you were made from God, then God you are, and you too have the power to create your own reality, energy, and desires. Uplift yourself and others, only then are you living up to your soul’s purpose of existence; love.

Appearance of Love

For years I knew what I thought how you would feel like.

Love, you’ve been so unkind and I wonder if you ever could

Ever be mine. Scars, disgrace, undermining, I believed that was you.

Love. I had to grow, had to learn self-love, personal truth.

My third eye opened and now everything is clear.

Love, you’re different but exactly who you should be.