Trauma, Psilocybin, and Healing

Abuse is never to okay but the experience alone is only inspired for growth. At the age of 18 I met a guy who I had no interest in building a long term fulfilling relationship with, yet he was right on time on this journey I call life. Michael was not my type, we had nothing really in common with one another but he was obsessed with me and at the tender age of 18 I felt intrigued by that. I felt a drawing to his “need” for me. I am a nurturer and it was as if he knew that and never wanted to let go. The relationship was very tumultuous, draining, and I become someone I didn’t even know. I started to mirror his behaviors and I became a monster. It was my only defensive mechanism against him. The cheating, hitting, the emotional lacerations that never were allowed to heal, to the moments I felt like I would die without him, without the dysfunction that became my normality.

Broken people hurt and break other people. With that said, it was a vicious cycle that ended in a physical altercation with one of the mother of his children, consistent harassment and attacks, which ultimately led to a 5 year restraining order. Fast forward to 7 years later, when I felt a strong desire to trek onto a psilocybin journey and so I did. The journey began with feelings that came up from the traumatic history I had with him and initially I was frustrated because I didn’t want this to be a bad trip and it wasn’t. I journeyed onward past him but that’s another story. If you want to read the rest about my trip check out My Psilocybin Trip. Anyways, so I haven’t seen him since I had him served with a restraining order and I thought everything had been worked through but I was wrong because the next day when I walked directly past him, even with a strong and seemingly nonchalant face, my inside was chaotic, spewing swords and stones, and so it was I broke down. Not because I realized I had feelings for him but because of the releasing I was still doing. The psilocybin uncovered the trauma and brought it to the surface and the Universe allowed us to cross each other presenting an opportunity to heal.

Will I ever forget all that he did to me, no, am I able to forgive myself for the mirroring that I did within the relationship and harm that I had done, yes. Since I do I have a clinical counseling background in addition to attending counseling myself, I understand that broken people hurt and break other people and then I entered into a space of loving-kindness. Loving self is more than just individual, it’s the ability to forgive yourself and others and be able to see others as another soul just trying to stay on track of their own soul contract, their own reasoning for incarnation. I’m by no means stating that abuse is okay because it’s not; understanding where you stand in all the chaos and finding your strength, ability, and wisdom out of the situation is the most fulfilling lesson, in hindsight. Psilocybin granted passage for me to heal trauma and release energy that was no longer needed within my root and sacral chakras. Healing is powerful, you are powerful, never forget your origins. You are of the Universe Baby, remember that always.

 

*Inserted a picture of driving through Washington state for its tranquility.

New Beginnings and Service to Others

2016 has been a rough year for everyone and now it’s nearing its end…. FINALLY. We could choose to indulge in our losses or accept them as a necessity for us to move forward. I experienced death 3x this year and as I accept them I’ll never be the same without them, Your Ashes Feel Like Home. and Message from Grandma.  With that said, I’ve moved on the best that I can which also included being laid off from my job at the end of the month, YET, had I not been laid off, I would not have gained the position I have now which is in my career field. Things have to fall a part before greater things can come together. 

Anxiety has been another factor that I’ve had to deal with this year, something I didn’t recognize I have been dealing with until this year. As a child who experienced spiritual phenomenon I never understand the feelings I would experience underneath everything else I was seeing, hearing, and sensing but anxiety has been a companion of mine for many many years. Counseling helped when my Grandma transitioned onward and it was then that I realized ANXIETY as a partner I’ve never recognized.

I have to thank the love for my life for supporting and uplifting me throughout every loss and crisis I’ve experienced. He has been my guiding light, the Love of my Light, my Atheist Love, to read more about our Spiritualist & Atheist relationship please read The Ideal Relationship Between an Atheist & Spiritualist. Opposites do attract and everything is meant to be for reasoning of love and learning. The picture below is what I took while riding as a passenger to Mendocino, CA. It’s where My Love takes me to unwind and relax when life gets to be too much. It’s the town that sits on a cliff and love is felt everywhere.

Lastly, this year I’ve placed my fears aside and began servicing others spiritually through my intuitive readings. When I service others I heal myself. If you are in the Sacramento, California area and would like to schedule a face to face session with me please reach out to me via my email, I would LOVE to hear from you!

 

 

 

HWY 1 en route to Mendocino, CA

 

The Ideal Relationship Between an Atheist & Spiritualist

Is this a joke? It could possibly be but for the most part it isn’t. This is the perfect definition of opposites attract right? Yeah, but do you wanna know the secret that allows us (him and I) to maintain a loving relationship without offending one another? If this is interesting to you please continue reading to find the top 3 ideals to maintaining an opposites attract “healthy relationship” that I have learned to know.

Respect.

Respect creates boundaries and that’s salient to maintaining a relationship. Loving each other enough to support each other despite perspectives of our outside world is almost EVERYTHING. Another paramount point to mention is…. wait for it, just wait for it…

Non-Conversion. 

We cannot try to “fix” one another in the way we think we both should perceive the world. That’s not LOVE that’s domination and control. Love is about accepting others for who and what they are and stand for, which ties into the final ideal….

Love.

Love is without saying you’re sorry, isn’t that the saying? Well, in parts it’s true. Love isn’t about right or wrong it’s about support, encouragement, and growth… really.

The article entitled, Atheists can be spiritual too explains how the two can be joined in a different but similar view to this post. All in all, these three ideals are needed not just for a relationship between an atheist and a spiritualist but all relationships.

 

mutual-respect

Amber Choisella♥

Right Back To You

Back in the day, before there was love
Before there was us, before I knew what
It really meant to have me somebody
Who’s really there giving there all for me

Back in the day, I didn’t know none
Before we was one, I learned on the run
What it would take to keep our hearts happy
Straight to the end, can’t let this chance pass me

Baby, we made mistakes
But I see just what it takes
The last thing I want us to make
Is steps that we’ll take us far from our fate

Boy, how can something so clear
Just push back something so near
Now I don’t want to be cause of your tears
Your worries, your fears should all disappear, baby

There’s no need to worry
Just that I am ready
Even when I’m away my heart
Stands right back here with you

Whenever you call, 
My heart reaches back for you
No matter how far away
My heart runs right back to you

Back in the day I would have just ran
But now here I stand, I’m making these plans
What’s in a day if you’re not my future?
Why give these words if they do not move ya?

I wanna just build, I wanna just heal
Those negative feels when out on the field
Most of my boys think that I’ve gone crazy
‘Cause since I met you, none of these girls faze me

Baby, it’s you I hold, lately it’s hard to let go
It’s crazy even when I know
That I just have to go, I can’t pull to the door

I know it has to be love, you fell down from up above
As if you came down here just for me
To somehow help me see how heaven can be

-Eric Roberson

Walking Through The Rain

And when everything seem to be falling down you create

arches, bridges, and roads for me to travel round, or maybe it’s through…

And when you ask me what 2 +2 is and I say me plus you, you argue with me, challenge

and disagree with me, you help me grow.

And I miss your presence, your energy, you are everything when you’re not, yet always beside me. When I lay beside you sleeping, dreaming, you escape with me, that’s how I knew you were the ONE.

Amber Choisella