Missing You

I feel like I’m walking within a fog. No matter how spiritual I am, no matter my inner truths, I’m human and I’m heartbroken. 

Yesterday when you left this existence I found myself in a thrift store, searching, soul searching, waiting to hear from you. Upon paying for my purchase I turn to my right and I find this pendant that says, Special Grandmother, what are the odds of coming across this? 

I knew that was a message from you, but still I’ll be forever missing you. My heart will heal eventually….

On Death & Dying

Anyone who is familiar with this subject knows about Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Kubler-Ross spent her professional career caring for and investigating the subject of death and dying. She is the one who coined the phrase of, “death denying society”, in which the majority of the world rests within. Society doesn’t like or feel comfortable about this topic even though it is a natural part of life; the inevitable end one of one’s journey and the beginning of the next. This is by no means to negate the fact that experiencing death and dying is often a painful both physically and emotionally aspect of life.

I speak freely about my experiences because it aids me on own path, to live in my truth is everything to me. The quotes from Kubler-Ross that best resonates with what I’m experiencing now are as followed:

“When we have passed the tests we are sent to Earth to learn, we are allowed to graduate. We are allowed to shed our body, which imprisons our souls.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross(The Wheel of Life, 1997)

“Death is simply a shedding of the physical body like the butterfly shedding its cocoon. It is no different from taking off a suit of clothes one no longer needs. It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue to perceive, to understand, to laugh, and to be able to grow.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross(Life Lessons, 2000)

Again, this does not pacify nor rectify my feelings about death and dying; change of any kind is difficult. Yet, it’s never really a goodbye, more like, a see ya sooner than later.

I posted about my methods of moving through grief through another blog site that I write with, BayArt, if interested please check it out.

This is a difficult time for me so thank you for allowing me a space for me to be honest and open about my feelings. It’s hard, and that is definitely an understatement. Since I am studying mental health counseling I am seriously considering on getting some counseling to aid me along with this process so that I can receive more help and learn how to assist other’s on this specific journey throughout my counseling career.

Yes, I am listening to the Peanuts Track List, entitled, Feeling A Bit Like Charlie Brown, on my Spotify, it’s another one of my coping strategies, jazz does that for me.

Snoopy and Grief

Swimming Beside Fish

You know, I could pop a pill or two,  take a drink or two, or maybe smoke a blunt or two, not to erase my sorrows but to sink further within them…. it’s tempting

YET, because of his love for me he knew where I needed to be… out within the trees, allowing me to breathe, climbing underneath a bridge of the trail to a creek. So I can go beneath and cry…

Re-taught me how to swim, he helped me find my equilibrium.

Oakland & Cold Brew

Hilly streets, anxiety, and the yearning to be with family, that was my yesterday. Here now, I’m sitting in Starbucks waiting for my order and I can’t help but wish I was in bed, away from society, away from the expectation of being happy and all smiley and shit….

No. Instead I wish I could live within the yesterday, with my family. Mourning. I just want to be with my love and my family, that energy is everything. But here I am drinking my cold brew with coconut milk and waiting for my breakfast sandwich no cheese, to cool for my breakfast to commence.

Oh and then I remember I have an interview for my fieldwork placement beginning next year and a teleconference with my academic advisor…. As much as that should be a priority, I really wish I could say fuck it, fuck it all today…. I just wanna go back to East 23rd street, in the many many yesterday’s.

Your Ashes Feel Like Home.

Your ashes came in a box today. The woman behind the counter just handed over the box as if YOU weren’t in there. We ride home together and I’m talkin to you because I feel you there.

We get home and I take you out of the box and there your physical resides. You sat inside of the squared box urn and it’s still surreal.

YOU’re not in the box, your Spirit is boundless sometimes laying beside me, visiting me while I sleep, make no mistake I’ll weep for you until our souls meet, reunite, right around twilight again.

-Weeping Mother

Grieve, Because It’s Non-Abnormal

I won’t apologize for screaming or crying or hiding  and not picking up your calls because I’m grieving.

I don’t care what the world says I should do, I’m human and this is what my shell

needs to do to move forward. My spirit, well it’s at peace knowing that she’s at peace yet these tears keep falling.

I can’t fake shit, I’m authentic so anything I feel I wear it proudly, no, World not cowardly.

And I’ll cry until my eyes are puffy and until my voice is non-existent, yeah yeah I’ll be ok.

Just promise me that when it’s my time to transition onward that there will be no sadness, cry in memories of our love, and no I’ll never judge you for that.

Thoughts of A Grieving Mother

When I realized her breathing patterns didn’t match mine I knew that this was  serious. Last week I held her in my arms and cried and thanked her for everything that she’s been for me. My baby, my baby oh how I miss her.

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God sent her to me in a time when I really needed a miracle. She appeared on my back door with no leash and sparking blue nail polish, so apparently she was someone’s pet. My father and I walked about our neighborhood posting up signs for a missing pet, but no one claimed her so she was meant to be mine. We had a very close relationship and anytime I was in need she would always be there. I literally feel like I gave birth to her. I also feel like she’s one of my Spirit guides to guide me and be with me. I feel like we made that decision before I decided to reincarnate into this life.

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Mamas has been everything to me , and I know I’m being selfish, I’m human, but got dammit I wish I could give her what she needed to live; a new kidney, eyes that were clear and could provide amazing slight, and an eardrum so she could continue hearing my song to her.

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God, I really needed her to meet her future brother or sister but we know she will be with them in spirit. Mamas you served your purpose and were loved so well. Oh man I MISS you so much. Please come and visit me from time to time until our souls reunite again.

A grieving mother