Anxiety, We Meet Again

Sitting in the counselor’s lobby waiting for my counseling session, early because I had no where to go to waste time before my appointment. I decided to come early and work on my homework which coincidentally is focused on bereavement within a family system.

Panic is running from my heart through my mind and body and I’ll never be ready for the funeral tomorrow. Babe’s funeral, HER funeral, HER birthday would have been/is tomorrow…. I just CAN’T.

Reading my e-book textbook, I read this and stop:

Transition periods are often characterized by upheaval, rethinking of previous and future commitments, and openness to change.

-McGoldrick, Garcia-Preto, & Carter (2016)

August 20th was the day my life changed and September 9th will be the day a part of me died and became resurrected…..

 

 

McGoldrick, M., Garcia Preto, N., & Carter, B. (2016). The expanding family life cycle: Individual, family, and social perspectives (5th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson.

Migraines, Nausea, and Grief

I’m sitting in a dentist chair waiting for my examination and I can’t help but to think about my sudden migraine attack earlier this afternoon.

After lunch I suddenly felt faint and a throbbing pain in my right eye which indicated an oncoming migraine. I waited too long to take some Excedrin Migraine pills and suddenly I felt that the little bit of lunch I just had would come up as I kept running to the bathroom, worshipping the Porcelain King. I’ve NEVER experienced a migraine of this amplitude… 

And it’s all because of grief. I guess I’m not handling this well, guess I’m really not as strong as people keep telling me. Whelp, my grief counseling begins on Friday…. relief is in sight….hopefully sooner than later….

Oakland & Cold Brew

Hilly streets, anxiety, and the yearning to be with family, that was my yesterday. Here now, I’m sitting in Starbucks waiting for my order and I can’t help but wish I was in bed, away from society, away from the expectation of being happy and all smiley and shit….

No. Instead I wish I could live within the yesterday, with my family. Mourning. I just want to be with my love and my family, that energy is everything. But here I am drinking my cold brew with coconut milk and waiting for my breakfast sandwich no cheese, to cool for my breakfast to commence.

Oh and then I remember I have an interview for my fieldwork placement beginning next year and a teleconference with my academic advisor…. As much as that should be a priority, I really wish I could say fuck it, fuck it all today…. I just wanna go back to East 23rd street, in the many many yesterday’s.

The First Day of Summer

The light was green, 4am, I knew it was ok to proceed,

your screams I will never forget, our bodies jolted, slightly twisted

In less than 10 seconds we were crashed,

oh the adrenaline took hold as I climbed and blasted myself from the wreckage

Police and the lights, as the witness and suspect stay at the scene

You were taken away, front seat of the 5-0  I be, one step in the ER and I drop

down to my knees and the pain is unbearable

Hours passed, mother by my side, after the Norcos and Morphine

I find myself by your side

You kiss my forehead and tell me not to cry, you love me, before you leave goodbye

That was our last hoorah together…

Happy Birthday Grandpa

 

Amber Choisella

Thoughts of A Grieving Mother

When I realized her breathing patterns didn’t match mine I knew that this was  serious. Last week I held her in my arms and cried and thanked her for everything that she’s been for me. My baby, my baby oh how I miss her.

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God sent her to me in a time when I really needed a miracle. She appeared on my back door with no leash and sparking blue nail polish, so apparently she was someone’s pet. My father and I walked about our neighborhood posting up signs for a missing pet, but no one claimed her so she was meant to be mine. We had a very close relationship and anytime I was in need she would always be there. I literally feel like I gave birth to her. I also feel like she’s one of my Spirit guides to guide me and be with me. I feel like we made that decision before I decided to reincarnate into this life.

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Mamas has been everything to me , and I know I’m being selfish, I’m human, but got dammit I wish I could give her what she needed to live; a new kidney, eyes that were clear and could provide amazing slight, and an eardrum so she could continue hearing my song to her.

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God, I really needed her to meet her future brother or sister but we know she will be with them in spirit. Mamas you served your purpose and were loved so well. Oh man I MISS you so much. Please come and visit me from time to time until our souls reunite again.

A grieving mother