Lately life has been ROUGH. That’s all caps and bold because there’s no other way I can quite describe it. I am in my final 5 weeks down to completing my Master’s program in addition to moving an hour away from my current job and internship. Every day I am at my internship site for a few hours then I work an 8 hour shift, and drive an hour home. I get home at 12am -ish and then go to sleep for a few hours, just to get up and do it all again. Oh and just not forget the fact that I just recovered from a chronic sinus infection that 3 rounds of antibiotics could not kill. I’ve spend 3 months of coughing incessantly with no to no sleep until 2 weeks again when I finally saw an Allergist and she prescribed me a steroid and antibiotics, which cleared me up QUICK. To say that I have been struggling these last 3 weeks is an understatement. I have spend many days and nights crying to myself, my therapist, my partner, and really anyone who pretends to want to listen. Honestly, I wish I had the affordability to quit work and focus entirely on graduating but that’s just not the reality I live in.
Whenever I struggle in life I tend to block the world from seeing this side of me. It’s like I have to maintain this certain image of myself to the world. I always have to be positive and hopeful; the carrier of light for others, but again, this is not the reality in which I live in. Shit is real, no one can always be positive and uplifting all the time and there’s no fucking shame in that. I STRUGGLE and I lost my HAPPINESS in the mist of trying to do everything I’m suppose to be doing. I lost sight of what happiness means for me. Spirituality and nature makes me happy but honestly I’ve been too exhausted to do anything close to these two things. Does this make me weak or less than the image you’ve created for me?
Learning to stay fully in the present is hard within chaos, but it’s doable. 5 weeks isn’t too far away and when I choose to stay in this moment I alleviate the thrills of anxiety, discouragement, and a place of swallowed darkness. I’m not always the uplifting spiritual teacher/ mentor but I’ll always be the realest spiritual teacher/mentor because at the end of each day I am a Spirit living a human existence. Forgive me for I shall not lie or pretend to be someone I’m not; I’m just Amber Choisella.